1) You Are Not Who You Think You Are
2) Untethered Soul
3) The Zen of Therapy, Mark Epstein
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Psychotherapist Perspective on “You Are Not Who You Think You Are”
Michael Singer’s work fundamentally challenges the Western notion of a fixed, separate self. The book explores how our identity is largely constructed from accumulated experiences, traumas, and mental conditioning rather than representing our true essence. This aligns powerfully with several therapeutic modalities, particularly Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), which emphasizes “psychological flexibility—the ability to contact the present moment more fully as a conscious human being” through processes like cognitive defusion.
Singer’s core premise – that we are the awareness observing our thoughts rather than the thoughts themselves – offers profound therapeutic value. This perspective helps clients develop what therapists call “metacognitive awareness,” creating space between themselves and their reactive patterns, anxious thoughts, or depressive narratives.
Connections to Native American Worldviews
The parallels between Singer’s teachings and Native American perspectives are striking and therapeutically significant:
Interconnectedness Over Individualism: While Western psychology often focuses on strengthening the individual ego, both Singer and Native traditions recognize the illusion of separation. Native American concepts like the Lakota understanding of “Mitakuye Oyasin” (all my relations) mirror Singer’s teaching that the separate self is a mental construct. This shift from isolation to interconnection is profoundly healing.
The Observer Self: Native traditions speak of a witnessing consciousness that exists beyond the conditioned mind – similar to what Singer calls the “you in there.” This awareness is not separate from nature but intimately connected to all life.
Present-Moment Awareness: Both traditions emphasize presence over mental storytelling. Native practices like vision quests create conditions for direct experience rather than conceptual understanding, much like Singer’s emphasis on releasing mental narratives.
The Essential Role of Ceremony, Ritual, and Community
From both therapeutic and indigenous perspectives, healing cannot be separated from community and ritual practice:
Ceremony as Container: Therapeutic work requires safe containers – what Native traditions provide through ceremony and what therapy provides through the therapeutic relationship. These containers allow for the vulnerable work of releasing false identities and connecting with deeper truth.
Ritual for Integration: Singer’s practices of witnessing thoughts and emotions parallel Native American rituals that honor the full spectrum of human experience. Both recognize that transformation happens through embodied practice, not just intellectual understanding.
Community as Mirror: Native American healing always occurs within community context because individual healing and collective healing are inseparable. This challenges the Western therapeutic model’s emphasis on individual treatment. True healing requires witnessing from others and the opportunity to serve something larger than personal concerns.
Relationship with Mother Earth: Both traditions recognize that psychological healing cannot be separated from our relationship with the natural world. The mental constructs Singer asks us to release include the illusion that we are separate from nature.
Similarities to “The Untethered Soul” and “The Zen of Therapy”
These three works form a therapeutic constellation around liberation from mental suffering:
The Untethered Soul: Singer shows how “the development of consciousness can enable us all to dwell in the present moment and let go of painful thoughts and memories” – this directly parallels the newer work’s emphasis on releasing false identity.
The Zen of Therapy: (Reflections and Take Aways):
Mark Epstein’s work bridges Buddhist psychology and Western therapy, emphasizing “simple kindness” as a therapeutic tool. Like Singer, Epstein shares that healing happens through present-moment awareness rather than analysis of the past.
All three works recognize that much psychological suffering stems from our attachment to mental constructs about who we think we are. They offer contemplative approaches that complement traditional therapy by addressing the root causes of suffering rather than just managing symptoms.
The therapeutic value of integrating these perspectives lies in their recognition that healing is not just personal but relational and ecological. They point toward a more holistic approach to mental health that honors both individual awareness and collective wisdom – something indigenous traditions have always understood and something Western psychology is gradually rediscovering.
Core Structure and Approach
Epstein reflects on one year’s worth of therapy sessions with his patients, examining how his training in Western psychotherapy and his Buddhist investigation work together . The book is organized around the four seasons, with each section highlighting different Buddhist concepts: clinging, mindfulness, insight, and transformation.
Epstein describes each session as “a haiku,” where “the minutiae of each ordinary conversation, like the tiny particulars of the natural world that inspired the Zen masters, hinted at larger truths.”
Key Teaching 1: Simple Kindness as Therapeutic Foundation
The Buddhist way of listening—what Epstein calls “simple kindness”—helped him become a better therapist . This represents a fundamental shift from traditional psychotherapy’s emphasis on interpretation and analysis.
Concrete Example: Rather than immediately interpreting a patient’s resistance or defense mechanisms, Epstein learned to simply be present with their pain. When a patient would arrive late or seem distracted, instead of exploring the “meaning” behind these behaviors, he would first offer genuine presence and acceptance. This kindness often allowed deeper material to emerge naturally.
Key Teaching 2: The Integration of No-Self and Therapeutic Relationship
Epstein discusses “the role of no-self in therapy and the polarity between doing and being,” which he attributes to both Donald Winnicott and Buddhist thought . This challenges the Western therapeutic emphasis on strengthening the ego.
Concrete Example: When working with patients struggling with identity issues or self-criticism, Epstein would guide them to observe their self-judgments rather than trying to “fix” or challenge them. A patient might say, “I’m a failure as a mother.” Instead of reassuring them or exploring the origins of this belief, Epstein would help them notice: “There’s a voice saying ‘I’m a failure.’ Can you observe that voice without becoming it?”
Key Teaching 3: Clinging as the Root of Suffering
Drawing from the Buddhist understanding of attachment, Epstein shows how psychological suffering often stems from our desperate attempts to hold onto pleasant experiences or push away unpleasant ones.
Concrete Example: A patient grieving a relationship breakup might spend sessions analyzing what went wrong, trying to understand their ex-partner’s behavior, or planning ways to win them back. Epstein would gently guide them to notice the clinging itself – the mental activity of grasping and the suffering it creates – rather than getting caught in the content of their thoughts.
Key Teaching 4: Mindfulness as Therapeutic Presence
Unlike traditional mindfulness interventions that teach specific techniques, Epstein’s approach integrates moment-to-moment awareness into the therapeutic relationship itself.
Concrete Example: During a session with an anxious patient, instead of teaching breathing exercises, Epstein might say: “I notice there’s anxiety here right now. Can we just be with it together?” This transforms the therapy room into a meditation hall where both therapist and patient practice presence with whatever arises.
Key Teaching 5: The Therapist’s Own Practice
Epstein became “more forthcoming with his patients about his personal spiritual leanings” and was “surprised to learn how many were eager to learn more” . This represents a significant departure from traditional therapeutic boundaries.
Concrete Example: When a patient expressed spiritual longing or asked about meaning, Epstein might share his own meditation practice or Buddhist understanding, not as prescribed advice but as genuine human connection. This modeling of vulnerability and authentic seeking gave patients permission to explore their own spiritual dimensions.
Key Teaching 6: Ordinary Moments as Profound
The book opens with a Zen koan: “A monk asked, ‘What is meditation?’ The Master said, ‘It is not meditation.’ The monk said, ‘Why is it “not meditation”?’ The Master said, ‘It’s alive, it’s alive!’”
Concrete Example: Epstein learned to find profound teachings in mundane therapeutic moments – a patient’s silence, a shared laugh, even scheduling conflicts. These ordinary interactions became opportunities for awakening rather than obstacles to “real” therapeutic work.
Key Teaching 7: The Hidden Kindness
The book’s subtitle refers to uncovering “a hidden kindness in life.” This isn’t sentimental niceness but the fundamental compassion that emerges when we stop trying to fix ourselves and others.
Concrete Example: A patient struggling with severe depression might spend months in therapy feeling frustrated that they’re not “getting better.” Epstein’s breakthrough moments often came when he stopped trying to help them feel better and simply offered complete acceptance of their pain. This acceptance paradoxically created space for natural healing to occur.
Key Teaching 8: Seasonal Wisdom
The book’s organization around seasons reflects both the natural cycles of life and the therapeutic process:
- Spring (Clinging): Recognizing how we grasp after happiness
- Summer (Mindfulness): Learning to be present with what is
- Fall (Insight): Seeing through the illusion of the separate self
- Winter (Transformation): Allowing natural wisdom to emerge
Concrete Example: A patient might enter therapy in “spring” mode, desperately trying to feel better. Through the seasons of therapeutic work, they gradually learn to be present with their suffering (summer), recognize the constructed nature of their problems (fall), and finally discover an innate wisdom that was always available (winter).
Integration with Psychotherapy
Epstein’s genius lies in showing how Buddhist insights naturally complement rather than replace traditional psychotherapy. The book demonstrates that:
- Interpretation and insight remain valuable but must be grounded in present-moment awareness
- The therapeutic relationship itself becomes a meditation practice
- Healing happens through acceptance rather than change
- Both therapist and patient are engaged in the same fundamental work of awakening
The book shows how both psychotherapy and meditation “can achieve the same goal: to reclaim the kindness that’s at the core of all of us” , offering a profound integration of Eastern wisdom and Western therapeutic practice.
Agree? Disagree? Thoughts and considerations?
These audio books are free w Spotify Premium but otherwise $16 or so each. Also available on Libby Public Library App. Podcasts are free.
James Wogan LCSW 